Old Friends

All throughout our lives, we meet people. Lots of them.

Equals.

Opposites.

Strange.

Unique.

Different.

And we befriend some of them while struggling to get through our existences.

 

Some of them stick around forever.
Most ghost out.
This one’s for them.


 
We might’ve been great friends once.

Inseparable.

Close.

Tight.

But somewhere down the road, we got cut off. We stopped hanging out, stopped talking, stopped enquiring.
We changed paths, went our own separate ways. Probably fell apart. It happens.

But know this.

 

I might’ve tried really hard to get back in touch with you. Maybe you did too.

Maybe you never responded. Maybe I didn’t.

 

But when I think of us, I think happy memories.

I might’ve been angry with you over something. I might’ve been hurt. You probably would’ve been too.

But growing older (and a little wiser), I would rather associate my memories with you as fond, rather than regretful.

After all, we did spend a couple of good years together- laughing till our stomachs hurt, dancing the night away, sharing secrets, sitting together in comfortable silences, wiping each other’s tears, hugging the pain away.

 

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For the times I couldn’t be there for you.

For the times I failed you as a friend.

For the times I said hurtful things.

For the times I acted irresponsibly.

For all the times you felt alone.

 

I’m sorry.

 
We might’ve grown apart over the years, might’ve forgotten each other’s numbers, but today I promise you this, if you ever need me, you know where to find me and I’ll be there for you.

 

And I wish you nothing but the best in your life.

 

Take care.

I love you.

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For You, Beautiful

Sweetheart,

I know the world feels like a terrible place. I won’t lie to you- it is. The world can be mean. The world can be cruel. It can be heartless. It can be cold. But darling, you’re none of these things. And that’s why you feel the way you feel.

I know it seems like everything is wrong in your life. Everybody has problems, but not everybody makes them obvious. And I won’t lie- everybody has different levels of difficulties. But trust me- somebody else has it worse.

I know you think that you can’t deal with this. I won’t lie- it IS difficult. But believe me, you’re strong. And you can overcome it all.

 

My love, everything seems hopeless until you try. Have faith in the fact that everything happens for a reason.

Maybe your “friends” left you alone to teach you who friends really are.

Maybe your heart was broken because it was meant to be taken care of genuinely.

Maybe you lost your self-esteem because you were supposed to learn to appreciate yourself.

Maybe all of what hurts you, heals you.

For even wounds grow skin overtime.

 

Babe, you constantly call yourself worthless and ugly.

Be convinced by my words- You’re gorgeous. And you’re strong. You’re just a little lost.

Beauty isn’t measured by the color of your skin.

Your worth isn’t decided by the number of mistakes you’ve made.

For we’re only human, errors are forgivable. How we choose to mend our ways is what’s important.

I know you presume that degrees guarantee respect. They don’t. Your genuine-ness does. Your honesty does. Your heart does.

Surround yourself with people who care about you, who are plenty in number.

Let go of whatever hurts your soul.

You don’t need those medications.

You don’t require superficial acceptance.

You’re a wonderful human being. Believe that. Have hope in yourself. In your abilities.

Until you let go of the past, you will never progress into the future.

 

Pray.

Feed your soul.

Appreciate your existence.

Dance until your legs hurt.

Laugh until you can’t breathe.

Chase your dreams.

Love yourself first.

 

You are so much more than you assume. Look past it, and you’ll see a whole new world.

x

Of Futures and Friendships

Lately I’ve been having identity issues, which are mainly being caused by two reasons:

A. NO idea of what I’m going to be doing in the future.
B. Unsurety of the people in my life.

The first, I can try to handle. In a phase where most people around me know what their next step is, I don’t have the slightest idea of my answer to the question, “What next?” Sure, I don’t want to practice dentistry and want to do something on the lines of what I’m doing right now- Write, but I don’t know how to work for it. But I guess I’ll figure it out. Eventually. I hope.

Coming on to people, talk about friends. Talk about family. Talk about having people in your life who you can call at 3 am because you’re having a meltdown. About people whose places you can crash at when you’re visiting their city. Talk about people who cheer you on in your life, even if it’s when you’re crushing on a super cute guy or chasing after him on the street. About people who bitch about the people you hate even though they haven’t met. About people who are YOUR people.

All through school, college and work life, we meet people, we make friends, make enemies, make memories. But as time passes, you realise the people you called your “friends”, the people you sat in groups with and fooled around with were never really your friends. They were just people in your life who you spent time with in order to avoid being alone and somehow believed they were faithful to the sacred vows of friendship.

It doesn’t matter if you talk twice a year, on each other’s birthdays or every now and then. Your true friends will always be around to pat you on your back or slap you in your face. They will always be there when you need them. Your conversations will always begin with, “bitch where have you been?” followed by numerous other gaalis, but your sisterhood will always be pure.

And just last night, after my usual ritual of pre-bed facebook and Instagram, I felt so fucking low. Cuz I fathomed how alone I really was, atleast in my city, and I broke down, tears and all. Having nobody you could physically confront is like a jab in the side. But I knew who I could talk to. We’re miles away, but we never miss a single gossip thread, or an opportunity for a bitch fest. And similarly, I have a few more, all in different cities, but all the same- all soul sisters.

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I know which of the strangers out there are my people.
And although it hurts that they’re not close by, I have a warmth that wherever they are, they’re mine.

For The “Cool” Ones

It’s 1:52 am IST. I’m listening to Andrew Belle’s “In My Veins”, and all that I can think of is school.
International Indian School, Jeddah- That’s the place where I studied for 10 years before moving to India to pursue further education. (I wonder why)

If you ask people from my school about me, they’ll tell you the same- Topper student. Emotionally unstable. Sensitive. Attention seeker.
But tonight, I’m going to tell you something that people hardly know about me. I was a serious victim of bullying, on an emotional level. Grades Ist to Vth were cool. I used to go through stuff, but everything went downhill when I graduated to VIth grade, and my classmates changed. I’ve always been a stupid human being and a bad judge of character. I could, and can never tell who is genuine and who is a fake pretending hypocrite. And what’s sad? People I called my “best” friends were the ones who knew how vulnerable I was, and they exploited it to their full potential.

Anyway, VIth grade brought with itself change. A LOT of change. My newer classmates were meaner, and initially I decided to stay away from them, but eventually I started mingling with them because they approached me and extended the hand of friendship and I couldn’t say no. And my biggest issue was that I opened up to people really easily, and I always tried to be a good friend. I even replaced a friend’s lost lunch money with mine because she was upset about it. And even though I don’t want to brag about it because I did it as a kind gesture, what kills me is that chick was responsible for a lot of crying-myself-to-sleep nights and she had no clue what I had done for her.

*Background score- Anna Nalick’s “Just Breathe”*

I had trouble in school, and an empty space at home. I remember even lying to a HUGE extent just to fit in. And now that I think of all that I’ve said, I feel like a fool. Because my “friends” were tools. And no, I’m NOT apologizing for calling them tools. They deserve worse names, because they might not know this yet, but poking fun, manipulating and laughing at people doesn’t make better people. Just worse. Much, MUCH worse.

I remember back in VIIIth grade when a narcissistic “pal” taped me up and paraded me in front of the whole class. I tried being a sport, but all those people laughing at my face broke me, and I stormed out of the class. Yes, I was sensitive. But they had gone too far. It has been 8 years since that incident, but even now when I think about it, it haunts me. To be in that position, and to feel that way was utter humiliation.

My oldest “friends” were also responsible for putting me in an extremely difficult position and basically sabotaging my life in the Xth grade. And yeah, maybe I’ve forgiven them, but even to this day, everything that changed in my life hasn’t gotten any better. And each time I face a difficult time, I’m somehow reminded of what they had done to me. Of course, if you ask them, they probably have no clue.

I know this post may seem really bitter of me, but if you’ve gone through what I have, you’ll understand. I honestly don’t expect you, reader, to understand what this post means to me, but know this- When you are bullied over and over again, and have no one to turn to, and when you have to hold yourself together with tape and glue, the pain you go through is heartbreaking.
And no, bullying isn’t only physical. The physical you can get over. It’s the emotional, psychological, life changing bullying that is hard to recover from. It took me a while, and sometimes I feel I’m still getting over it.

And all you people who think you’re so cool to be trampling over others- You’re not. You’re not a good human being, and I believe they say, “Karma pays back.”

And to those of you who have experienced or are experiencing bullying- Bullies are just people with no self-esteem. (Or a small wiener) Don’t let them affect you. You’re strong and you’re beautiful. Remember, you’re way above them. And don’t be afraid to talk to somebody if it starts getting really bad, because it doesn’t make you weaker.

Stop bullying.

Asma and I

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an acquaintanceship.

Back in the summer of 2007, I qualified the Senior Secondary School Entrance Examination (Science stream) of the Aligarh Muslim University. Little was I aware, of what was in store for me.

When I joined the school in August 2007, I made acquaintances with a couple of people, particularly the back benchers.  One of them was my roommate in the hostel and the other 2 were old friends. As time passed by, I became friendly with the entire class. One of them was Asma Khalid- a perky girl from Calcutta (present Kolkata) who I secretly admired for being fluent in English. The 2 years we spent together in school, were good. Me and Asma were good friends. We had fun when we could; we were even “punished” by a newbie English teacher who we called ‘Fatto’ (which was short for Fatima. She wasn’t fat.) We shared the same passion for stick figures and doodling. We even opened up to each other once in a while when things weren’t all that great.

In 2009, we graduated and went our separate ways. We stayed in touch, but not too often. Each was busy preparing for their next biggest hurdle- The PMTs. After a year or so, in 2011, thanks to WhatsApp, Asma and I got in touch. We started talking more- about life, about old “friends”, the bitching, the backstabbing, the personal affairs, the works. And I realized what I had missed out on in        XIth and XIIth. Asma wasn’t just some chick who was good in English, she was by far one of the most amazing human beings I had the honour of knowing.

I could talk to her about things I couldn’t with anyone else. Not only because she was a good listener, but also because I knew I wouldn’t be judged, and if I were wrong, I would be corrected in the right manner. And the topics we talked about could’ve been as obvious as boys or as arbitrary as Dolan duck’s boner.

At times, our conversations are so supportive and heartfelt that I regret not being better friends with her in school. Both of us would’ve been spared of our fake friends.
But then again, I know her now and although I really wish that we were in the same city, I can’t love and appreciate her enough. I really do hope I get to see her someday.

And Asma, if you’re reading this and I’m pretty sure you are: Plz.

Impressions

Today’s post is about judgments. How we as people, feel the need to relate everybody’s lives to ours and hold strong biased opinions against them.

Every day, we meet new people. Different people. And before we could stretch our hand out to say hello, we make our “First Impression” of the person. It’s like we paint an image, based on our superficial perspective. If they look good, they’re probably a slut or a player. If they’re quiet, they’re probably full of frat bitch attitude. If they’re outgoing, they’re a flirt. You get my drift.

If you’ve happened to notice, we have five fingers on our hand (unless there’s some alteration) and none of them stand at equal height (Again, unless there’s some alteration). The same way, one person isn’t like the other. All of us have different lives, different personalities, and different problems. Each and every one of us is struggling through something. Some of our lives are painful while some of us are born with a silver spoon in our mouth or gold underwear. There are people with family issues, with peer pressure, with financial instabilities or maybe even severe health problems. Just because we eat good food and sleep well at night doesn’t mean our colleague does too. You never know if they have a personal battle or a war which they fight day and night. You never know if they’re depressed or have suicidal tendencies. You never know how they feel, what they think and how they live. And all that we care about is deciphering them from our selfish perspective.

And when an angel of God does tell us what the problem is, we sit down and discuss it like vultures circling around their prey and call them idiots for doing whatever stupid they’ve done in their life.
Compassion- That is exactly what people lack.
Understanding- That is what they don’t want to offer.
Help- When there’s no understanding, where’s the help?
All that we want is to fulfill our never ending hunger for gossip.

Somebody had once told me that we see others how we see ourselves. So the next time you go around pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.