It’s 1:52 am IST. I’m listening to Andrew Belle’s “In My Veins”, and all that I can think of is school.
International Indian School, Jeddah- That’s the place where I studied for 10 years before moving to India to pursue further education. (I wonder why)
If you ask people from my school about me, they’ll tell you the same- Topper student. Emotionally unstable. Sensitive. Attention seeker.
But tonight, I’m going to tell you something that people hardly know about me. I was a serious victim of bullying, on an emotional level. Grades Ist to Vth were cool. I used to go through stuff, but everything went downhill when I graduated to VIth grade, and my classmates changed. I’ve always been a stupid human being and a bad judge of character. I could, and can never tell who is genuine and who is a fake pretending hypocrite. And what’s sad? People I called my “best” friends were the ones who knew how vulnerable I was, and they exploited it to their full potential.
Anyway, VIth grade brought with itself change. A LOT of change. My newer classmates were meaner, and initially I decided to stay away from them, but eventually I started mingling with them because they approached me and extended the hand of friendship and I couldn’t say no. And my biggest issue was that I opened up to people really easily, and I always tried to be a good friend. I even replaced a friend’s lost lunch money with mine because she was upset about it. And even though I don’t want to brag about it because I did it as a kind gesture, what kills me is that chick was responsible for a lot of crying-myself-to-sleep nights and she had no clue what I had done for her.
*Background score- Anna Nalick’s “Just Breathe”*
I had trouble in school, and an empty space at home. I remember even lying to a HUGE extent just to fit in. And now that I think of all that I’ve said, I feel like a fool. Because my “friends” were tools. And no, I’m NOT apologizing for calling them tools. They deserve worse names, because they might not know this yet, but poking fun, manipulating and laughing at people doesn’t make better people. Just worse. Much, MUCH worse.
I remember back in VIIIth grade when a narcissistic “pal” taped me up and paraded me in front of the whole class. I tried being a sport, but all those people laughing at my face broke me, and I stormed out of the class. Yes, I was sensitive. But they had gone too far. It has been 8 years since that incident, but even now when I think about it, it haunts me. To be in that position, and to feel that way was utter humiliation.
My oldest “friends” were also responsible for putting me in an extremely difficult position and basically sabotaging my life in the Xth grade. And yeah, maybe I’ve forgiven them, but even to this day, everything that changed in my life hasn’t gotten any better. And each time I face a difficult time, I’m somehow reminded of what they had done to me. Of course, if you ask them, they probably have no clue.
I know this post may seem really bitter of me, but if you’ve gone through what I have, you’ll understand. I honestly don’t expect you, reader, to understand what this post means to me, but know this- When you are bullied over and over again, and have no one to turn to, and when you have to hold yourself together with tape and glue, the pain you go through is heartbreaking.
And no, bullying isn’t only physical. The physical you can get over. It’s the emotional, psychological, life changing bullying that is hard to recover from. It took me a while, and sometimes I feel I’m still getting over it.
And all you people who think you’re so cool to be trampling over others- You’re not. You’re not a good human being, and I believe they say, “Karma pays back.”
And to those of you who have experienced or are experiencing bullying- Bullies are just people with no self-esteem. (Or a small wiener) Don’t let them affect you. You’re strong and you’re beautiful. Remember, you’re way above them. And don’t be afraid to talk to somebody if it starts getting really bad, because it doesn’t make you weaker.